First steps

Nicholas has been taking a few steps.  Only a few times.  It surprises him when he lets go of something and is standing on his own.  He has this little proud smile and looks to me to clap and be proud too.  Then sometimes I hold out my hands and he takes these 2-3 cute shuffling steps and falls into me. And is so happy about it all!

a full December

I'll start with the good stuff.  Christmas.  It is always a nice time of year.  I love sitting in our cozy room with the tree and stockings.  It's just enough to feel Christmasy all month.  The boys did a great job decorating one afternoon while I was at work.  It made me so happy to walk in to that scene after my day.  I don't like to go overboard on Christmas stuff.  Simple things make me happy. This year we spent Christmas Eve and the 26th mostly at home just relaxing.  I love to get out and do adventures and see friends and family, but I like to come into a cozy and just be with Tony and the boys.  A little conversation, a little playing with new Christmas toys, a little baby snuggle, a little coffee.  I am looking forward to the days when we all go out and ski or for a winter hike together.  But I will miss these days where we just chill.  Speaking of family ski days ahead.  Colin just got started skiing this week.  One time on the magic carpet with Tony, and so far one lesson at Hickory.  Just little Nicholas to get there, but don't want to rush that.  I love introducing these boys to skiing.  The lifelong opportunities to get outside in the winter and enjoy the cold snowy days.  I love my sun, but appreciate the 4 seasons and the magic of variety, and I want my boys to know how to ski as much as ride a bike.  Thankful to have cute little Hickory just 10 minutes away.  These boys don't know how good they have it. 


And we do have it good.  I don't take that for granted.  Our scary night a few days ago, renewed my feeling that we are lucky.  Not everyone is.  There is something about an intruder in our house that makes me hurt for him a little.  Who is he? And why did it come to this point that he ended up in our house at 2:20am 3 days for Christmas?


2:20 we heard crashing in the house.  We thought it was the one of the boys.  When Tony realized that they were still in bed, we went to the living room to investigate and saw a man.  After some scary yelling, he saw the guy head up the loft.  Tony ran back to us and we made the 911 call.  I don't think we will ever forget this night.  Probably the scariest thing to ever happen to me to this point.  My heart still races when I have to relive the story. I will not forget the feelings of panic, as well as the relief of seeing that police officer.  I won't forget looking at this guy's boots, snow pants, bag, pocket knife.  Thankfully he was caught.  Thankfully we are safe.  I try not to think about what could have happened?  Thankfully Tony and I remained calm enough during the event and afterwards to not completely freak the boys out.  I have a little PTSD from it.  A few times I have been doing normal things around the house, like opening the garage door to put out some recycling and that feeling comes back.  That guy was in our garage.  That guy was in our cars.  It's this unusual unease.  I feel safe.  I realize that this was a one in a million possibility on Old Mission.  I realize this will likely happen again.  But, it has made me slightly more scared of the dark, slightly nervous going to bed, slightly more like I want to crawl into bed with my babies. 


We have used this as a learning opportunity for the boys.  A conversation about alcohol and homelessness and why someone might resort to this.  But it still doesn't make sense.  The world is a big place and we don't live in a bubble. 


And then, there is work.  I am on week 4 at GTWC.  I like it!  Actually, I want to show up and be crazy busy.  Right now, I sitting here wishing someone to walk in the door.  The schedule hasn't been too bad.  Sure, I kinda miss everyone today and wish I could hang out and build Legos and go to Hickory with them today.  But, I have thought about this so much for the past 5 years, and realize that I want this too.  Though, Colin and Nicholas would rather not be in school.  Colin is actually doing a little, I think.  The more school time helps it become more of a routine.  He hasn't been too sad about going like he was a couple months ago.  Nicholas has been hit with one germ after another.  He mostly has been fine at school and only seems to have sad days when we realize he is fighting off a cold or stomach bug.  I definitely appreciate my days with them more now.  Sure, they are still a lot of work, but I am thankful for the mommy days and moments.  They both whine and cry easily, but their smiles and goofy times are numerous too.  And Evan, its amazing what he can do at age 7.  Sometimes it feels like he is a third adult.  He can usually find something to entertain himself with... or we can something together that is entertaining for me too.  We just got Ticket to Ride Europe from Santa.  So fun to play a real game with him.


Then, there is Cheerio.  The highlight of Cheerio's visits this year include the letters that him and Evan exchanged.  Magical!  So sweet to see Evan writing to this elf like a pen pal.  Ahh, sweet Evan, growing up but staying innocent.  What an age!

10.5 months

My baby is soon not going to be a baby.  How does this happen so quick?  I am already anticipating being sad the moment I realize he is a kid.  I put him to bed tonight knowing that it was possible that wouldn't see him until after work at 5:30 tomorrow evening.  Then I secretly hoped he would wake up in the middle of the night to nurse and snuggle.  He still does most nights.  But I didn't really want tonight to be the night he sleeps through.  Last night, at our pole vaulter thanksgiving in Holland, he spent most of the night in my bunk and then was up at 5:55.  I was tired, but had a grateful moment for the quiet time with this one before my first week as a full time working mama. Hugs little man!

New path

Tomorrow starts my midwife career in traverse city.  Something I have been dreaming for about 7 years.  I am feeling a little panicked.  Nervous about the change in our family schedule, the intensity of the job, and feeling like I won't really do it well.  But, it is time to jump in.  So glad that I should be able to coast through some parts because of my experience the past year at Hackley.  Living the dream.  Deep breath.

Picture of mom

Colin still doesn't like going to school.  It is mostly the separation he worries about.  He loves to stay home and he misses me.  So this morning when he started to tear up I suggested that we draw a picture of something that he likes about school.  I thought this would distract and also put a positive spin on his school day.  Well, he says " mom, can you draw a picture of you so that I can think about you?"  And then he put it into his pocket.  Love that boy!  Makes me want to tear up sending him to school too.  Then there is that sad face waving and blowing kisses out the window... :( so adorablely cut and sad at the same time.

Well, just as I writing this Colin comes to say good night and tells me that the picture of me is still in his pocket but now in the dirty clothes bin.  And he says that he looked at during his day.   Love, love him!

retirement from HCC

Its my last week as a midwife in Muskegon.  Its hard to believe that I have made it to my dream career.  And hard to believe that I have been driving 2.5 hours for the past 15 months.  I am thankful that this job has been a good fit for my family.  The schedule has allowed me to feel like a stay at home on mom on the days I am off and the boys have been watched my grandma and grandpa when needed, especially little Nicholas.

I am thankful for Tony for being so supportive.  I am living the dream.  It gets a little crazy with work and 3 little kids, and I know that might get a little crazier with the new job ahead.  But, so glad to be living this life.  And he has made it possible.

I will miss this first CNM job.  I have good memories of some sweet women and families.  I have been challenged, usually in a good way, but sometimes in a heartbreaking way.  This population has struggles I will never know.

On to a new challenge.  On to life as a Traverse City midwife.  On to more wonderful family times and less driving.

One month of school down

Evan jumped right into Eastern Elementary without a problem.  I love when he says, "my friends....", like there are his people already.  I am amazed at how easily the transition to a new school was.  His personality is so easy going and confident.  He listens.  He does what he is supposed to, usually.  He doesn't love the work, but he does it.  His favorite parts of school are 1 snack, 2 art, 3 recess, 4 lunch. He is smart.  Math is boring because he tests a grade level higher.  Spelling tests are new this year and  he is getting there.  Definitely appropriate level for him, but we are not used to memorizing to spell words.  Before, the thought was just to write however you think it is spelled.  He is liking flag football, despite 2 weeks ago not knowing what a quarterback was.   He isn't the most athletic, but he loves the excitement of being on a team and socializing with the kids.  And running around is good too.  He is a new Cub Scout.  We will be selling popcorn at Walmart for 3 hours after school today.  He is excited!  We are half way through Order of the Phoenix.  Love this story reading time with him.    Our family has become a little Harry Potter obsessed over the past 6 months.  He is kind, quiet, and innocent, yet showing signs of being a big kid.

Colin struggles with school.  He was last spring too.  He completely forgot about school this summer.  And I was hoping he would forget those sad moments too.  After the past 4 weeks it has gotten harder.  He wakes up early with tears.  He talks all week about how many more days he gets to stay home.  He talks about th bad stuff at school frequently, even though I am sure that hitting and kicking is not tolerated there.  He obsesses about th behavior of other preschoolers.  He tells me he misses me and just wants to stay with me.  It makes me feel happy and breaks my heart at the same time.  I don't want him to miss me.  I want him to always be happy.  He has good days at school and doesn't cry after our goodbyes.  He just likes being safe and comfortable with us.  Can't blame him.  But we are trying to help him be brave and ease into life outside our home.  He only goes 2 days a week right now, but when I start my full time job in December, he will go 3-4 days.  Colin is the most amazing 3 year old Lego builder.  He sees himself as a 7 year old and relates better to Evan and his friends than to his peers.  He is our energetic boy, who occasionally pushes the rules, but he has those sweet smiles and laughs that I want to hold on to.

Loud

So far, Colin seems to be our lively son.  Not that Evan doesn't have his moments, but he has a more mellow easy-going personality with decent behavior and follows rules.  While, Colin the one that is loud and crazy, especially when no one is paying attention to him.  And I feel like I am constantly telling him the same things over and over.  Get your buckles on.  Really... Come on kid when it is time to go somewhere, get in the car, sit in your seat and buckle up.  Seems so easy, but imhe just doesn't move like that.  And the yelling.  He can be loud for no real reason.  Yesterday, Nicholas was asleep and Colin was going down the hall to get something and I reminded him to be quiet. Then 10 seconds later, I hear him yelling in the hall.  Ahhh!  I said "Colin, didn't I just ask you to be quiet?" He looks up at me with this face of shame and said "I didn't hear myself yelling."  That settles it. The kid can't see himself and therefore can't always control himself yet. Changed my perspective on constantly repeating my reminders to him.

Sweet summer

Today is the official end of summer.  Back to the fall/school routine tomorrow.  It's been a good one.  I've had fun!  And I look at the world through the eyes of the boys and appreciate something they don't grasp yet, how lucky they have it.  The ease of doing mostly what you want to do all day.  Of course, with some guidance to keep doing the awesome things northern MI offers.  For us, that means lots of beach time.  Some day I would love to bike, kayak, camp more.  But for now, the beach is an easy way to soak it up.

I have been thankful for all my moments with them.  I am fortunate to have been home most of the summer for them.  Sure, working in Muskegon two days a week got a little crazy.  But with coordinating schedules and occasional babysitting by grandparents we succeeded in creating a perfect summer.

Holding on to the pictures of those sweet summer smiles, as we head down a new road.  Which is exciting too.  New school for Evan.  Possibly new job for me.  But we will make sure that our little live stays perfect.

Beach vacation

I feel like my kids are on a beach vacation some days.  Our neighbors, Leo and Josephine, are in the middle of their month long trip to Michigan.  And Evan and Colin love playing with them, and they all love playing at the beach.  I watch them play in the water and think... Ah to be a kid.  These boys don't even know how lucky they are.  These long carefree beautiful summer days will be some of their most favorite childhood memories.  They have had a perfect summer, if I had to define perfect summer for little boys.  One fun thing to the next.  But sometimes it comes back to the beach.  Because who doesn't dream of a beach vacation and these boys are living it!

Camping - Wilderness State Park

We had another fun camping trip.  Nicholas' first camping trip.  And he and I cut it short.  We got up there a day late and left before having to spend another night there.  It's just that he didn't do so well in the tent.  I half expected this.  But because we had been somewhat successful at the 'sleep training' the past week, I was hopeful for a nice cozy sleep sleep with the 5 of us in the tent.  Well, after a good try and many cries, tony and him moved to the van at 2:30am.  Put the pack n play right in the van.  At least we survived.  

We really did have fun though.  Evan and Colin zoomed their bikes all over the loop.  They loved it and freedom.  And we had a beautiful beach day on what felt like our own private Lake Michigan beach nestled into this big state park.  And Mackinac Island was a good time.  Walking, enjoying the scenery and fort... Pretty neat.  I missed the bike ride around the island while Nicholas and I got some coffee and played in the grass, then walked around the shops.  What an adventure for these boys. They even loved the shuttle ride to the ferry from the overflow parking lot.  And of course the ferry going under the bridge.  And the souvenirs, some little Q tip guns.  So nice to spend this annual camping trip with grandma and grandpa Steeno.  Lots of memories.  Maybe next year we will have more cozy nights in the tent together! 

Almost 6 months

Nicholas poked out two little bottom teeth about 10 days ago.  He sits up like a big boy.  And he gets excited to me.  He loves Evan and smiles easily around him.  Evan is a good big brother and sings and talks to him in the car a lot.  He is going to start some baby food this week.  And he wakes up about 4 times a night, which I am going to work on. But he is so snuggly!

Awesome

Colin  just started a session of swim lessons.  He looked so excited and proud while swimming.  Then when he got out, he came right over to me and said "did I do awesome?".  With a big smile.

Making friends

Colin has been a little bit eager to make some friends.  I can't tell if we put the idea in his mind or not.    Either way, Tony and I have talked to him more recently about us helping him to make some friends his age.  He loves Evan!  And loves to play with him!  And likes to play with Evans friends too.

By this Evan had made friends.  Mostly with Ava.  But they were truly friends at this age, well at 2, really.  He would constantly talk about her and want to see her or send notes to her.  Colin hasn't actually made a friend that he gets excited to see.  So, we are helping him by having some boys his age over.

But, 2 funny stories about this...

At the library train this week he poked his head to look inside the engine.  He said "mom, there is a boy in there, maybe he will be my friend."

As he was biking down the street we went past Oliver's house (the new boy in the neighborhood he hope will soon be a friend).  He said "I have a dream to have silly putty and one of those rocket cars."  I said "Oliver might let you borrow it sometime." Colin said "yea, when I make him be my friend."

Summer time

Oh sweet family.  Busy summer on the road so far.  Since school got out on June 9th, we have only been home for 4 days.  That means 13 days not at home.  I am feeling a little homesick.  Just a busy stretch of work in Muskegon and our trip to Chicago and Neenah.  It's been fun.  The Chicago day was a favorite!  Work has been good, a little slow on the call shifts.  Which has been good for hanging with the boys.  I am thankful the they have mostly been with me during my work shifts.  But looking forward to some days at home this week!  Just to do our usual stuff!  To feel like a mom at home with kids on those carefree summer days!

3 things to be thankful for

1.  Laying in bed, looking over at the sweet sleeping baby
2.  Knowing Evan and Colin are cuddley and sleeping together in the tent in the basement
3.  Tony finishing up his online class tonight and thinking about how hard he worked and squeezed this endeavor into our busy life.

Exploring the world with hands and mouth

About 10 days ago, Nicholas started grabbing toys.  A couple days later, he was putting things in his mouth.  Just like that he is exploring the world.  Yesterday he learned to roll from back to belly and now practices it like he is proud of his new trick.  And he found his feet!  So much, so quick.

Mothers day

Tony worked 10:30-9:00 this weekend, which might have meant an exhausting weekend for me.  Well, it was exhausting, but in a good way.  I do feel tired most of the time.  I do feel that I can't keep up with everything.  I do get bothered by the constant needs of these boys.  But, I don't want those tired moments to stand out!  I don't want to look back at these sweet days and say "uh, that was exhausting".  I want to remember the sweet moments when I completely love these mom days.  Nicholas is the sweetest cuddliest baby.  He smiles, he laughs, he lets me smush his cheeks (my favorite thing).  He looks up at me like he is a real person now.  And melts my heart.  Colin is sure full of energy.  Sometimes I just want him to slow down and be less crazy.  But that is what I love about him.  His goofy loving personality.  He squeezes me so tight sometimes that he chokes me.  He tells me 'I love you' many times a day, including when he is sad (like when he bonked his head to tonight) or when he is a little in trouble (like when missed the toilet tonight and I was bothered that there was pee all over the floor).  Sure, just what I wanted to do was scrub the bathroom floor as I am trying to wind down 3 kids for the night.  But Colin's joy for life and his closeness to us are the best!  And Evan, well I just love having a smart, caring, creative 7 year old.  One who made me many Mother's Day crafts, including a 5 step geocache.  I love that we read hours of Harry Potter this weekend and that he helps his little brothers so much.  I want to capture these stages and memories and not the daily drag for being busy.  And I know that I have been busy commuting to work,  but I want the time at home to be my best days.  Being a mom is the best!

Back to work

Three weeks of work already in the books. It was a little hard to go back after being off with Nicholas.  I miss that baby when I am not with him.  But part of me knows that I want to work.  I really like my job and believe the sacrifice (travel time to Muskegon and time away from the family) will be worth it.  Sure, I constantly have thoughts like... Am I doing the right thing?  Will I regret my decisions?  I know these days of sweet little boys won't last forever, and that I will these days.  But I think I will miss the days regardless.  And when they aren't sweet little boys, and are grown up boys, I will be glad to have lived my life too.  To have lived my dreams and created a life that is bigger than being a mom.  I know this is the job I want.  The 3 years between graduating from Frontier and starting my CNM job, felt like something was missing.  I have an amazing life and have always thought of myself as lucky, but it was hard to have a dream that seemed like it wouldn't happen.  Glad to be given this chance.  I can't believe I have these sweet boys and can balance them with a part time midwife job.  Best of both worlds.  Even if I came from home my first all night call shift in tears because of exhaustion, worry, and missing that first night of baby snuggling, and that the drive to Muskegon is a challenge with an infant... I am content here for now.  Thankful.

sleep

How is he sleeping?

I get asked that most days by someone.  It is certainly a topic that encompasses the life of having newborn.  It is almost like asking about the weather.  It seems like the most logical small talk to have with someone with a new baby.

I actually think he is doing pretty well for 7 weeks.  Last night, he did two 2.5 hour sleeps to start off, then woke up about every hour after than to some soothing or pacifier.  I gave up on trying to have these little babies sleep by themselves after Evan.  The few couple months with Evan I would try so hard to get him into a deep sleep and then lay him down and cross my fingers he stayed happy, it didn't work more than it did.  And I was one tired and frustrated mom.  Now with Nicholas, I went into planning on letting him sleep wherever it was that him and I got the most sleep we could.  And that has usually been sleeping on my chest or cradled in my arm, or if he is really ready for a deep sleep lying on his belly.  I have broken many safe sleep rules.  But, I am much happier and less exhausted this time around.  Some nights I wish that he would just sleep calmly in his own so I can have my space and a good night's sleep.  And some moments I hope that he never wants to leave my bed.  I love having this sweet little baby all cuddled in with me.

ISBV

Knowing that the school we chose for Evan would make a difference in his education and life, we had a hard time making the decision.  We checked out many options, and finally decided on ISBV.  This cute little school community with awesome teachers and teaching chinese and an "outside the box" IB curriculum.

We have loved this school!  Evan has too!  Of course, he is to the point that he appreciates a snow day every once in awhile.  But, I can tell that he feels connected to this place.  We were fortunate to have this school to start off his school years.  It has shown that school is safe, happy, fun second home.  He is friends with every child in the building and never has told me that a child was anything but.  This school has created a community of love and kindness, all while providing an excellent education.  But, unfortunately, it was too good to be true.  And that keeping this little community of 55 kids together is not financially possible for the school district.

I'd had a few tears about the closing of ISBV.  Evan has not yet.  But, I worry about the feelings he will have when the time comes to close that door to ISBV on the last day and face the unknown out their in a new school for second grade.  Maybe it won't phase him much, he doesn't quite realize how good he really has it there.  You can only see from a parent's perspective.  The perspective that you want the best for your children, and here it is, in this place.

Three boys

The littlest one, I am still just soaking up the baby snuggles when I can.  Hard to imagine life two weeks before Nicholas entered the world.  He is a sweet one.  And when he is not tired or hungry or riding in his car seat, he is usually a content alert baby.

Colin, our love bug.  I get so many hugs from him.  Big squeeze hugs!  And so many "I love you's".  He is so affectionate for a 3-year-old, or at least different than Evan, who is up for a hug whenever but not the initiator.  Tony has been sleeping on a mattress on their floor since Nicholas was born.  But a few nights ago, Colin asked if I could.  We put them in bed, but I still had to feed Nicholas so told Colin it would be about 5 minutes until I would be in.  When I did go lay down in their room, Colin said "mom thank you for coming in here".  Aww melts my heart to hear this and know that he appreciates us.  After our back and forth "I love you's" we fell asleep.

Evan seems more and more grown up all the time.  Yesterday he completed his first chapter book.  And he has doing second grade math for a few weeks.  Sometimes he seems so big and independent.  We drop him off and he skis 3 days at a week at Hickory.  Which brings me to a story from a few days ago that in the moment made me frustrated but afterward made me realize how little he still really is.  Six!  That's it!  We were about to get in the car so I could drop him off at skiing.  Colin was buckled and I was working on getting Nicholas in his seat and making sure Evan had all his gear, when Evan said "these skis say Walter on them".  Ugh, after a busy day home with a baby and busy 3 year old, I was getting worn out and did not want to deal with going to hickory to solve the ski problem.  Turns out it was an easy fix.  But I know I was short with Evan at first and hurried him into the car so we could solve it.  He told me he was scared and almost had a few tears.  I felt bad for him in that moment and didn't want him to suffer fear over this.  Learning experience for us both.

Precious Nicholas

To put into words the past few days in a challenge.  There is nothing like bringing another child to the world to make you pause... and to think, feel, and reflect on life.

First, the birth story, because I have to start somewhere.  This labor was a little different than the other two.  First, it was a week early.  But also, started differently.  Saturday we were stopping at the toy store to buy a gift for a party Evan was going to that day.  I started getting this intense pain right around my belly button, kinda constant and moving made it worse.  I figured it would go away soon, but it stayed on and off all day and I was having more Braxton hicks contractions.  They weren't too painful and picked up in frequency towards the night.  Overnight, I was awake frequently anticipating these mild contractions to get stronger.  I did make myself try to sleep though knowing I needed to if labor was close.  Well, morning came.  Sunday I was still uncomfortable, more mild contractions.  By the evening, every 30 minutes or so I would have a contraction that was intense, stop what you're doing and breath intense.  I went to bed thinking there was a good chance it was going to happen.  At 11:00pm, those strong contractions picked up regularity and by 1:00 I had woken up Tony, got babysitters over and headed to Munson.  Showed up at 8cm dilated, to my relief.  And spent the next hour or so in the tub coping surprising well I thought.  Hopped out of the tub when it was time to push and with a few minutes of my body uncontrollably giving in, out flew a baby.  I was on my hands and knees, but collapsed and glanced at the little thing to learn he was really a boy like we figured.  Exhaustion and overwhelming relief filled me and took a few moments to focus on him more.  Then I was in love!  I couldn't believe it, number 3!  It didn't seem real that I was the mama to 3 sweet boys.

The big boys are curiously interested in their new brother.  Not overly impressed though.  They go about their day like any other day.  To them it is just a sleeping blob that one day may do something more exciting than poop in a diaper.  Can't wait to see the day they all are off on boy adventures together.

Actually, I can wait...

I want time to pause, or slow down to soak up these moments to the fullest.  Seeing this new little baby makes me excited for the days ahead.  I can't wait to see his personality at age 3 and see if he is as funny and loving as Colin or his ideas at age 7 and see if he is as smart or creative as Evan.  But, for now it makes me tear up a little thinking of him getting any bigger.  I want to keep him this small (or at least the snuggles, baby noises, baby smells, and soft cheeks, and complete joy with this little being that I don't want to put down for 10 minutes).  Even though it's not possible anyways, I don't want him to be a baby forever, because the days ahead I know are exciting too.  But I know I miss these baby cuddles.  Nothing to do about but enjoy it now.  Remember it.  And love each new day and step.  I don't ever wish to see Evan or Colin as babies again, not because I didn't cherish those days either, but because I love the people they are today.  And as much as I want to stop time and shut out the rest of the world at this moment, and just be with my family, we can only sneak in those cuddles and hold on to the memories.

Back to picking up sweet Nicholas for some snuggles.